


And then, the paddle

by DizzilySpiraling



Category: Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Q tries new things in the bedroom, Sexual Content, and fails, couples communicate, string disguised as lingerie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 17:19:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1148732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DizzilySpiraling/pseuds/DizzilySpiraling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Q tries to be adventurous in the bedroom for fear of boring his new boyfriend. Featuring strange lingerie, soggy pasta, and faux leather paddles. </p><p>~</p><p>The porn was probably a bad idea.<br/>But where else was he supposed to do his research? It wasn’t as if the local YMCA held classes in ‘how to convince your new boyfriend who you’d like to go all the way with that you’re not totally boring in bed’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And then, the paddle

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to anyone who's ever had an awkward sexual experience. Hopefully it went better than this.

The porn was probably a bad idea.

But where else was he supposed to do his research? It wasn’t as if the local YMCA held classes in ‘how to convince your new boyfriend who you’d like to go all the way with that you’re not totally boring in bed’.

His last relationship totaled a little over four years, the latter half of which consisted of a routine starting at about 10PM every Saturday night, an ‘under the sheets, kiss kiss, lick, suck, slick slick, open legs, it’s over before it barely started’ sort of intimacy. It had gotten to a point where he started using the age old ‘Not tonight babe, I’ve a headache’ just so he could avoid the mess and the urge to roll his eyes.

Q had no moves. He had a routine.  It wasn’t even a very good routine. It was the sort of bad dance routine one made up for a middle school talent show and performed whenever one was drunk and goaded at an office party. He didn’t think James would like his routine very much. Hence, the research.

The research led him to a very dark part of the internet where he learnt way too much about what people used various vegetables and seemingly innocuous household items for. It also led to a very late night purchase he was beginning to regret more and more. But we’ll get to that later.

First, let’s talk about the porn. While Q was aware people did things a little more adventurous than he, there was nothing on this Earth that could have prepared him for the array of things he was suddenly exposed to. After a fair amount of blushing and slamming his laptop closed, only to open it up again a moment later, he steeled himself and opened up a blank document to take notes. If he was going to do this, he was going to make an effort, and hopefully blow his James away with all of his creativity and adventurousness and his spectacular moves that he’ll stick around till the end of time.

All of this culminated in a middle of the night online shopping excursion, and when the UPS guy delivered the gigantic ‘nondescript’ box, Q was sure he was being judged. The lingerie was probably not a good idea. Well, lingerie was too generous a word when he finally gathered up the nerve to look at the thing. Mess of string was a much better descriptor. Did people really wear this in real life? The man in the picture looked so confident and the description claiming ‘wow your lover’ convinced him to hand over his credit card information.  Looking at it in day light though, he was not wearing that. He couldn’t possibly. He wouldn’t even know _how_ to wear that.

Q should really be awarded some sort of medal for braving through the rest of the box. However, he drew the line at the instructional DVD and pamphlet that came with his Bondage for Beginner Couples set. The lady on the box looked like she was having fun, at least. He left all the gear in the bedroom and trusted that inspiration would just come to him after he had finished reading ‘Spicing Up the Bedroom: from Lingerie to Tentacles’.

All in all, Q would say that his two day crash course was fairly successful. He still couldn’t wear the string mess without his briefs underneath, and he refused to look in the mirror whilst doing so, but it’ll come off soon, hopefully, so that hardly mattered. Frankly he was just quite proud that he’d figured out how to wear it. What mattered was the fact that his boyfriend was coming over for dinner, and he was freaking out. Just a little bit. Has the Bolognese had enough time to bubble? Is the bathroom clean? Were there enough after dinner cuddling movie choices? Was the paddle within arm’s reach from the bed? On top of that, he was still trying to adjust to moving around whilst wearing the string cage over his briefs and under the rest of his clothes.

By the time the buzzer finally sounded, he was so relieved he could finally start to put his plan into action instead of fretting about it like he’d done the whole day.

“Come on up!” He hoped he sounded more confident, sexy and alluring than he was feeling in that moment, wooden spoon in his hand and trying to avoid a string wedgie.

James, effortlessly sexy James appeared in his doorway sporting what looked like a deliciously soft cashmere sweater and some very nicely tailored trousers. He set a bottle of wine down on the counter before leaning in for a quick kiss hello, a hand coming to rest naturally at Q’s hip. Q hoped he wouldn’t be able to feel the strings underneath, which would ruin his surprise. The book said spontaneity in the bedroom was important if you wanted to keep things fresh and exciting.

It was all too easy to forget his master plan for seducing James and wowing him in the bedroom and to loop an arm about James’ neck to deepen the kiss when he wasn’t satisfied with the chaste peck. Good thing the oven timer went off then, and Q pulled away citing his garlic toast was about to burn.

“I wouldn’t mind if we had dinner after.” James gave him a fond smile as he opened the wine. For a second Q was distracted by strong forearms twisting the corkscrew. Then he caught on to what James had just said. After. After as in...Oh. Well then.

“But the pasta’s going to get soggy.” Why did he say that? He didn’t mean to say that. He should’ve practiced some dialogue beforehand. Something sexier, like ‘let me change into something more comfortable, _in the bedroom_ ’. James didn’t look like he minded Q’s outburst, instead he just chuckled and reached over to turn off the hob.

“I think dinner can wait, even if the pasta’s going to get soggy.”  It really was hateful how smooth his boyfriend could be sometimes. Why couldn’t he say something like that? Taking a deep breath, Q decided to carry out his plan, even if James threw them off schedule. He took a calloused palm in his and led them to his bedroom, decked out with all of his new gear in reach.

“Um.” Say something hot. Or dirty. “I’m going to change. You stay here.” He gave James a shove toward the bed and retreated to the ensuite. Leaning against the door, he let out a relieved breath that his plan was finally underway. He hoped he was ‘commanding yet playful’ with that shove.

Q still couldn’t look at himself in the mirror when he stripped down to his string and briefs ensemble. He tried to emulate the man in the photo, striking several poses before deciding to just open the door and get things started.  He threw open the door with enthusiasm, not prepared for the way it banged against the wall, almost hitting him on the return swing. However, the dodging did successfully push him out into the bedroom, where he tried to lean against the wall enticingly.

James opened his mouth when he took in Q’s outfit, although he didn’t speak even after several moments. He was probably just floored by the sheer amazingness of the string cage, and Q congratulated himself in successfully selecting it in his impromptu shopping spree. Reassured by his new found confidence, Q marched forward and pushed again at James’ chest.

“What are you-” James stepped backwards with the force and toppled to sit on the bed, clearly confused by the proceedings, and the various pieces of décor placed in a perfect semi-circle around Q’s bed, but not quite knowing what to ask.

“Hush, no talking!” That was good, wasn’t it good? Q thought it was quite forceful. He didn’t even know he could yell like that. He plopped himself down in James’ lap, hands reaching for the strings to try and take it off. He did try to teach himself how to strip tease from various videos, but they didn’t really seem to apply to string. In hurrying to untie various parts, he’d somehow gotten himself tangled within. Using this moment to his advantage, he nudged at James’ arm and then gestured to himself. “Take it off.”

“Oh. Okay.” James reached for Q’s shoulder hesitantly, with many questions about the outfit. First and foremost being why Q had chosen to cover himself in black string and why he wanted to practice knots all of a sudden. James had always accepted the fact that Q was quirky in his own way; in fact it was one of the most lovable parts about him. Maybe this was just what he liked. He could deal with the outfit. The bright red ropes he spied on the floor however, James was not so sure about.

With the two of them working at the mess, Q was finally able to shrug the thing down to his waist. He was just about to move onto the next item on his schedule when James distracted him by tugging him close for a kiss. The type of distracting that threatened to tempt Q into abandoning his plan and going along with James, but which he knows deep down will end in the type of ‘kiss, suck, slick, spread, thrust’ sort of sex he refused to have anymore. He had a plan. And they were going to follow it.

Which was a bit difficult after James had pressed him down against the bed and was kissing him like they weren’t on a schedule. When did that even happen? This man’s kisses were clearly too dangerous, there would have to be quota. That had to go on the schedule. Attempting to get things back on track, Q threw an arm over the bed and reached for the faux leather paddle he set out, smacking James’ behind in a ‘firm yet spirited’ manner, though difficult while he was under the man, Q achieved what he’d set out to do, stop the kissing and get back on his schedule. James stopped kissing him immediately, jerking away and glancing back to investigate what had just happened.

The hit didn’t hurt as much as it shocked James, who thought Q’s whims would end with the string outfit, apparently not so. Whatever he was expecting, it certainly wasn’t Q wielding a paddle pouting at him as if he’d done some great wrong. Was he supposed to do something? He didn’t exactly have a lot of experience with paddle wielding boffins. He tried to keep an open mind, he really did. He liked to think he wasn’t boring in the bedroom, and Q didn’t look like he set out to cause any serious damage, so James endured. He leaned back cautiously and latched onto Q’s neck instead, wary of what’s coming up next.

Huh. Maybe Q should’ve tried this a long time ago. James didn’t seem nearly as terrified of it all as he was when he first started watching the porn. Was this what people did nowadays? Had he always been out of the loop? With the recent successes under his belt, Q dropped the paddle and felt for the ropes. They came with a manual, and after some practice on his sofa cushions Q was sure he’d at least mastered some of the more basic techniques. He’d just started to drape a length around the back of James’ neck when the man unlatched from his spot on Q’s throat and hurriedly distanced them on the bed.

“Q.” James started, resolving that enough was enough, and that he just was not ready for this level of… open mindedness in the bedroom. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. You’re amazing. Really. And I tried, I did. But all of this-” he gestured to the props surrounding the bed. “- the outfit, the paddle, the… everything. That’s not me. I can’t. I’m actually quite boring in bed. I like basic things. You’re just too much for me.” He stood awkwardly and tried to determine if Q would be alright after his revelation.

“Oh thank fuck.” Q threw away the ropes and launched himself at James, enveloping him in a grateful kiss. He was completely prepared for their evening together, step by step meticulously written out. But carrying things out was so much harder than he’d imagined, and not having to worry about being spontaneous and novel let Q enjoy the things he really wanted to do, like snogging his boyfriend.

“I have a routine.” Q started, after cutting himself out of the strings with his emergency scissors. “It’s an awful routine. I’m not very bendy, I’m never going to wax my bits again, and I didn’t know what half these things were two days ago.” He took a breath and kissed James again for courage. “Let’s be boring in bed together. We’ll turn out the lights, do it under the sheets, and forget I ever tried to be hip and adventurous.”

James just nodded and turned Q back towards the bed, trying to distract him before he changed his mind again. He knew it was too good to be true when Q pushed at his shoulder with a concerned “James, wait, wait.”  He pushed himself away from licking at Q’s torso to see what would be sprung on him next, when he saw Q glancing toward the kitchen, embarrassed.

“It’s just… Could I go and drain the pasta first?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Needing a break from a rather porny piece I've been working on, this was inspired by the New Girl episode 'Bad in Bed'.


End file.
